**Hi there, friends! I am in the middle of a big transition. Moving from L.A. to Nashville! So, my attention has not been on this Substack (remember I asked you, can you let me be me? 😝) and I don’t know what the expectation is on how often I need to write but I’m going at my own pace here, so thank you for sticking around. I’m truly grateful.
And now… here we go.
Last year, I set what I like to call a hyper-intention - to live with an open heart. (see my tattoo as a reminder) It has always seemed like an easy enough thing to do and something that I unconsciously already did. I’m very friendly and inclusive, able to be compassionate and vulnerable, enthusiastic for the people I love - but underneath it all, the circumstances and predicaments of my life have caused me to shut down my heart quite often. Not because there isn’t love in there, not because there isn’t desire for more love, not because there isn’t an openness to love. But there are layers of dense, protective crust over my heart that have been present in a way I’ve only recently (the last 10 years) become aware of. I came to realize that so much of my “loving” behavior was also a defense mechanism. It was offered with expectations. Judgements. Codependency. Subtle manipulations disguised as favors . A false sense of safety. It wasn’t pretty and I hurt a lot of people along the path but mostly myself. People annoyed me, circumstances were never good enough, my family didn’t understand me, my son needed to be more like me, and life in general just wasn’t up to my standards. So, I rejected it, tried to control it, voiced my opinions on it, thought I was superior to it, and none of it really felt good. At all. Most of the time.
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